At least half, if not more, of my depressed thoughts involve trying to figure out my depressed thoughts:
What is this.... am I feeling lonely? But I was hanging out with cool new people this weekend. Am I afraid? Why can't I just do what I need to do... Is it because people expect things of me? I had a good run of not being depressed, but that seems to be coming to an end. But I was feeling so good yesterday! How do other people manage? Why can't I focus! I just need to make some plots, just get something going. My brain is out to get me again. I'll never make it as a scientist...
It is the ultimate mindfuck. I become at war with myself. "Oh man, I suck because X and Y." "But X and Y are irrational, and what's more, not even true. Here's some empirical evidence." "I know, I'm so irrational! I SUCK!"
I've read better descriptions of how depression messes with you, but they are lost on the internet.
Currently, I'm not quite at the "I SUCK" part, and nowhere near the complete lack of motivation for anything phase, but my brain feels like cotton and I feel inadequate. Even writing this is making me feel guilty, like I am making up excuses for laziness.
So, what can I do about it?
My first response was to eat some chocolate. But my bar of Green & Black's 85% is getting small. Then I started writing this. Next I will identify some small and easy things to put on/check off my To Do list. After that, I might go home. Whether I can go home without guilt is the tricky part. If it doesn't seem like I can get rid of the guilt, I might stare at some code for a while to give myself a chance to do work. I will also look through a special esteem-boosting email folder I started a little while ago, prompted by more internet advice. I don't know whether reading things that once upon a time made me feel good about myself will do the same now, but it's better than letting the depressed thoughts feed on themselves, using my brain as a host.
Finally, what I'm going to do is post this, because writing it seems to have helped. Because even though I'm not looking for sympathy, not making excuses, and even though I'm not that depressed... this shit is real and sucks and I'm going to complain about it on the internet.
