Your 'Gender Issues' Proposal Section is BS and it Doesn't Even Matter

Imagine this scenario:

You, a cis/het/white/male scientist, are writing a grant proposal. You have an awesome CV, everyone loves you, and you have crafted a ground-breaking, paradigm-shifting research plan. But this one section on "gender issues" is confounding you... the guidelines for this part read like a glossy business report and just say things like "gender is important" and "gender should be balanced". Actually, you probably didn't bother looking up the guidelines, so you really want to know: what do you write here? How could this hurt your effort to win money to do science?

Obviously you don't know what any of the issues are. You've rightly been focusing your efforts on producing amazing science instead of "diversity" or "social justice" or "womany" things - but you've paid enough attention to notice all the extra opportunities for women (and sometimes minorities) that exist, so you know that your female students will have no problems finding a job just because of their gender. (You have confidently told them as much.) So what do you write about "gender issues" in relation to your awesome Nobel-worthy science proposal?

Well, you're in luck. It turns out, your reviewers are probably also cis/het/white/males, and they don't know what the issues are either! Your bullshit paragraph saying how "You will totally collaborate with women, thereby providing female role models to your students! You have a couple of women in your department already! You will try to recruit more women, because women are important and gender should be balanced!" - this bullshit paragraph is absolutely good enough for you to win money to do science. Hooray!





Still here?

Well, if this scenario rings a bit true for you (even if you're not, however statistically improbably, a cis/het/white/male scientist), but you nonetheless would like to improve your "gender issues" section so it's not complete BS, even though it totally doesn't matter, I've assembled an inexhaustive list of "Do's and Don'ts" compiled partly from my own experience.

• DON'T joke that you're including me because it will look good in your "gender issues" section. Also, don't believe it. Even though it's probably true. It's just not a funny joke.
• DO take down all the pictures of old white men in the conference rooms and replace them with pictures of science. You know, the thing we are all here to do.
• DON'T be proud of that one year you had more than one female PhD student. You did not earn that. The female PhD students earned that, despite all the apparent barriers you're still not sure really exist. Be proud of them, not yourself.
• DO write a better "gender issues" section by maybe perhaps possibly doing some research? You know the kind of thing you did to figure out the background knowledge, specific parameter values, targets, etc. for the science section? Reading papers, absorbing information, putting it all together? You can do that here, too. If you want. Whatever though. It doesn't matter.
• DON'T ask me for advice about your proposal and wonder what "he" will think when "he" reads this section, even though you haven't time-traveled to the future and determined that your reviewers prefer masculine pronouns. Your patriarchy fails to impress me, as does your lack of a time machine, and I won't feel like giving you advice anymore. I'm petty like that.
• DO broaden your conceptions of equity. I don't care if your country is as white as the new-fallen snow, by paying lip service to gender issues and completely ignoring all the other dimensions of discrimination, marginalization, and bias that people face, you are part of the problem. Just think of all the other things you could be paying lip service to in order to pretend like you're actually doing something good! Race! Class! Ability! Gender identity and gender expression! Sexual orientation! You could give yourself so many cookies for even knowing that these concepts exist! It's okay if you don't, though. It doesn't really matter.
• DON'T suggest, when your female astrophysics student is struggling, that if it has been her dream to be a Veterinarian, for example, she should totally follow her dreams. Don't invite your male student to watch football at your house without also inviting your female student. Also, don't pee in the women's bathroom. I can't believe I even have to tell you this, but seriously, DON'T.

[A final DON'T for readers: don't go sharing this with people who could be my past, current, or future bosses - I like being hilariously critical of academia, but they just wouldn't get it. In fact, they are probably featured in my real world examples and are therefore the "butt" of my jokes. Except for future bosses, due to aforementioned lack of a time machine.]